


Swandive

by BloodiedRose



Series: Broken Crown [5]
Category: Class (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Night Terrors, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-25
Updated: 2017-04-17
Packaged: 2018-10-10 08:32:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10433640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BloodiedRose/pseuds/BloodiedRose
Summary: Charlie gets to take one step forward, but is then sent about eight steps back. All because of yet another space rock.





	1. Nightmares

**Author's Note:**

> I am distracting myself from uni work by posting this little ball of angst. Also, this fic may have completely screwed up my original plans for this series so that's fun >.>
> 
> Additional warning for vomiting in this chapter

Charlie bowed his head to capture Matteusz’s lips with his. He was straddling Matteusz’s hips with his thighs as Matteusz leant against the headboard and kept Charlie from falling over. Charlie could feel Matteusz’s hands roaming over the skin of his back. They were warm on Charlie’s frozen skin. He wanted to touch Matteusz back but that would mean removing his hands from where they were cupping Matteusz’s neck. Matteusz pulled him closer, raising one hand to curl in Charlie’s hair while sliding the other hand further down.

Matteusz laughed when Charlie moaned into their kiss, jerking forward in Matteusz’s lap. Charlie held tighter onto Matteusz. He opened his eyes so that he could look at Matteusz. His eyes were closed, and even though his movements were slow and teasing there were beads of sweat on his brow that suggested that he was just as desperate as Charlie. Matteusz opened his eyes too. Charlie knew that Matteusz had been made privy to every emotion and thought Charlie had had. If it had been anyone else Charlie would have felt violated. He could not bare being so exposed. But he felt treasured when he bared to Matteusz his vulnerabilities. Matteusz could do with them what he wished and for Charlie it would be blissful. Because Matteusz had seen everything Charlie had to offer and had stayed anyway.

Matteusz leaned forward, taking Charlie with him so that they sank into the bed. Finally Matteusz removed Charlie’s shirt. Charlie was trembling, and for once it was not caused by distress. He did not even notice the cold. Matteusz let go of Charlie’s hair to which Charlie whined in response. He was treated with another soft chuckle and a swift kiss to the lips. Matteusz reached out and intertwined the fingers of his spare hand with one of Charlie’s. He drew back momentarily and studied Charlie’s face.

“Are you alright?” He asked. Charlie nodded eagerly. He smiled at Matteusz and Matteusz smiled back. He planted a kiss on Charlie’s head. “We can just keep doing this. Nothing scary.”

“I’m not scared,” Charlie replied. “We can… we can do a little more? If you like?”

Matteusz nodded, kissing Charlie again. Then he moved his head lower. Matteusz latched onto a spot on Charlie’s neck- it was more sensitive that any human’s due a lifetime of it being covered by spikes. Charlie had never even thought the neck could be an erogenous zone, and certainly never thought he would enjoy someone not just being near his neck but focusing so much attention on it as much as he did. Maybe Matteusz just had magic in his lips. Charlie knew that Matteusz was more sexually experienced than Charlie was, by which he meant that Matteusz actually had some while Charlie had barely been touched even platonically since he was a child. Still Charlie could not understand how Matteusz knew exactly how to make Charlie come to pieces. 

Charlie reached his free arm out as Matteusz began to sink lower. He clenched his fist, but it was not bed sheets that were in his grip. It was something hard and ridged, like engraved metal. His brow furrowed in confusion. He tried to examine it with his thumb but his hand was already moving. He had no control over it. Charlie opened his eyes to see what was going on- just in time to see his hand plunge the knife into Matteusz’s neck. Matteusz lived just long enough to register pain and betrayed confusion on his face. Charlie’s hand was moving again, carving. Blood was spraying Charlie’s chest, soaking their bed sheets and staining the constellations on the wall. Just like his mother’s had, Matteusz’s head fell and his body went limp without it. The bed sheets cushioned the fall of Matteusz’s head. They cradled it, while the rest of Matteusz’s body collapsed on top of Charlie’s own. His hand was still intertwined with Charlie’s.

Charlie pushed himself up and began to vomit over the side of the bed. Sleep was still clouding his mind. He couldn’t breathe. Every time he thought that the vomiting had stopped, he saw Matteusz’s decapitated head clearly in his mind and his gut spasmed again. 

“Oh, Charlie,” Matteusz murmured from the other side of the bed. Charlie had woken him up. Matteusz got to his feet and left the room. Charlie pushed down on the edge of the mattress, trying to force his body to calm down. Adrenaline was pumping through his body but he was so very tired. He could already feel the headache that would inevitably grow worse. Matteusz returned with a bucket and some towels. He gave the bucket to Charlie and began to start cleaning up the floor. When he had done the best he could he climbed back onto the bed. Matteusz began to rub soothing circles into Charlie’s back and smooth back his hair.

“I’m here,” Matteusz said, rubbing his thumbs across Charlie’s cheeks to wipe away the tears Charlie did not even know he had shed. “Bad dream? Or illness?”

Charlie wanted to say he was just sick. That way he could avoid the dream and all it had entailed, how real it had felt and how quickly his brain had turned something Charlie yearned for so much into a horror. But he had promised to Matteusz that Charlie would never lie to Matteusz about his wellbeing. If he did claim it was illness, Matteusz would spend the rest of the night keeping watch and then the rest of the week nursing Charlie so that he would get better. Matteusz was too nice to Charlie. Charlie wanted Matteusz to leave, he was too good to spend his life with a monster, but Charlie could not bear to live without him. He was too selfish to force Matteusz to leave. If he tried, he could force himself to tell Matteusz that after everything that had happened he could not love Matteusz anymore. It was a lie- he could never stop loving Matteusz, not even for a second, but he could force himself to convince Matteusz of it. And then once Matteusz left finally end his life like he wanted to. It was the moral thing to do.

Matteusz just held Charlie when he began to sob harder. Charlie clung to Matteusz’s shirt. A bitter part of Charlie wanted to whine about how unfair it was that in his dreams, he and Matteusz had already begun to bring their relationship that much closer to what it once was and what Charlie wanted it so desperately to be again. In his dreams everything was so easy. It was not just because of the winter months that he and Matteusz slept entirely clothed. He and Matteusz had seen each other naked since Matteusz had returned to Charlie’s room; it was almost inevitable when they were rushing in the mornings and on some of Charlie’s bad days Matteusz would help keep Charlie from bashing his head in on the shower wall. But for Charlie at least the desire had gone. The ‘teenage boy libido’ Quill had frequently sniped at him about had essentially dissipated. Charlie still yearned for the intimacy and he remembered how much he had loved absolutely everything that involved Matteusz touching him and Charlie touching Matteusz back, but everything was just empty. He had seen it sometimes in Matteusz’s eyes when they kissed, the way his hands would sometimes roam. How hurt Matteusz looked when Charlie jumped back, even though he tried to hide it.

“Sometimes dreams are less scary if you talk about them,” Matteusz said. Charlie shook his head. 

“I can’t… How can I admit how vile I am in my mind?” 

“Minds are like that. They make you think horrid things, and trick you into hating yourself for thinking them.”

“Not yours, though,” Charlie muttered. Matteusz lifted Charlie’s head and smiled at him sadly.

“Yes, mine as well.” Matteusz sighed. He pulled Charlie close to him and leaned them both against the headboard. Charlie let his head rest on Matteusz’s chest and Matteusz cradle him. It was the only time he felt something that even resembled safe.

“Even though you are so good?” Charlie asked. He began to nibble on the tips of his fingers. It would have been absolutely unthought of on Rhodia, but here it felt natural. There was a lot of things that Charlie was now that would have scandalised even himself on his home planet.

“You can’t control it,” Matteusz replied. “No one can. I call it the bad voice. Makes it easier if I distance it from myself. To cope with and ignore.” 

“...We were together,” Charlie said after a while. Matteusz hummed and kept rubbing his hand over Charlie’s shoulder. “It was amazing. Until I… I couldn’t control it, and I didn’t have time to warn you.” Charlie’s voice broke from the sobs. “You didn’t deserve to die like that, _betrayed_. But after everything that’s happened what’s to stop me from killing you?”

“You. I know you would do everything in your power not to hurt me.”

“But I had no control. I don’t know if that’s worse. I’m so _scared_.” Matteusz tried to intertwine their fingers but Charlie pulled his hand away. He could still see the blood if he looked hard enough. “I’m scared of everything. That I’m going to hurt someone, that I’m going to hurt myself, that everyone’s going to get hurt when I can’t do anything about it. Of living, of dying, that I’ve lost my mind or that this is just who I am. That you’re going to leave me and that staying is ruining you. I feel useless in every conceivable way and I can’t _do this!_ ”

“No, you can’t,” Matteusz said. Charlie felt his heart freeze. This was it. Matteusz was going to leave him and Charlie was going to be completely alone and unloved like he was born to be and oh gosh he was going to vomit again. Matteusz cupped Charlie’s face and turned him so they were looking at each other. “Not alone. But you don’t have to do it alone. We are all here to help you. You have done hard part by just surviving, let us help with the rest.”

Matteusz leaned in to kiss Charlie’s lips, but seemed to think better of it and kissed Charlie’s head instead. Charlie was confused until he remembered how foul his mouth tasted and that he had just thrown up everything he had eaten the day before. He leaned his forehead on Matteusz’s chest, closed his eyes, and breathed. He focused on timing his breathing with Matteusz’s so that their chests rose and fell in unison and Charlie wasn’t made dizzy when his head rose when his body fell. Focused on the feeling of Matteusz’s hands on his body. On scrubbing away the last of his nightmare.

“Charlie…” Matteusz said, in that voice that signalled he was about to say something that he had wanted to say for a long time. “At school there is counsellor. Ram said she is very good, a trained psychiatrist in youth psychology. Understands trauma. Maybe… maybe it would be good for you to see her.”

“I don’t want anyone to know what I’ve done,” Charlie whined. He hated sounding like a petulant child. Baby Quill was more in control of her emotions than he was. But he could not stop himself. 

“Maybe she can help without you telling her. There are things I don’t know how to help you with, Charlie. But she will. Think about it.” Matteusz kissed Charlie on the forehead, before easing Charlie onto the bed while he stood up. “I’m going to clean up, and then get you some ice cream.”

“It’s two in the morning. And four degrees.”

“I know. But it will help with the burn from being sick. Trust me.” 

And that was what it all boiled down to, really. Charlie trusted Matteusz. He trusted that the boy who could see him was not going to kill him, that they were close enough friends that even if Matteusz didn’t like Charlie back he wouldn’t let the Prom invitation ruin their friendship, and that even if Matteusz was not able to love him after everything he would at least have tried. Because that’s what a relationship was- jumping into an ocean with someone because you trust that they won’t let you drown.

Matteusz returned just when Charlie was beginning to be dragged back into sleep. He did not want to sleep- to sleep was to dream was to be tormented by his mind. But his body was so exhausted. He was always exhausted now. Matteusz practically fed Charlie the ice cream because Charlie only just had the energy to open his lips and poke out his tongue. Matteusz was right- the cold vanilla eased the pain in his throat and the horrid taste. Once the bowl was finished Matteusz put it down on Charlie’s bedside table and crawled back into bed. He curled their legs together and ran his fingers through Charlie’s hair.

“Tell me if you feel sick, okay?” Charlie nodded, and Matteusz tucked Charlie’s head under his chin. “I’m here, love. I’m always here.”

Matteusz always felt so warm. Charlie was not sure how, but even when Matteusz complained bitterly about the cold he still felt warm. It was a gentle warmth that seeped into Charlie’s body and left it tingling. And lying in his arms Charlie felt innocent again. Like he had when he was still young enough that his mother would climb into his bed and hold him in her arms when they slept. He felt loved. He did not understand how, but he could feel Matteusz’s love pouring into him. It took hours, with Matteusz holding Charlie gently in his arms, but eventually Charlie fell asleep. He did not dream, either good dreams or bad. He woke up calm and content. Matteusz still held him. Matteusz was already awake, a rarity considering Charlie either did not sleep at all or slept for a day and woke up at a cruel hour of the morning. Charlie hummed when Matteusz kissed his neck to say good morning, before returning his head to its place on top of Charlie’s. For the first time in possibly his life, Charlie felt well rested.


	2. Prologue, Part II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sincerest apologies, everyone! This chapter was meant to be up two days ago, but the archive was down, and then yesterday I forget, and this morning the archive wasn't working again (for me at least). I didn't intend to tease you like this.
> 
> Additional warnings for this chapter: Graphic Descriptions of Fish and Chips

Charlie’s leg would not stop bouncing. He willed it to stop. Nothing. He gripped it with his hand. Nothing. He hit it with his fist. It was still bouncing, but now also ached. Matteusz raised an eyebrow at him and put his phone back into his pocket. His and Charlie’s linked hands were resting on Charlie’s non-bouncing, well behaved leg. Matteusz gave Charlie’s hand a small squeeze.

“Is okay to be nervous.” Matteusz said. 

Charlie knew nervous. The slight nausea, the buzzing under his skin, the uncontrollable desire to just do something. This did not feel like he was nervous. Unless the nerves were the result of an impending dive off a cliff. He had not been able to sleep the night before. All he could think of were what ifs- what if she figured out he was an alien, what if she figured out what he had done, what if she looked at the broken shards of Charlie’s brain and there was nothing she could do to stop them from cutting quite so deeply. Charlie was terrified. So he buried his head in Matteusz’s neck and breathed, doing his best not to jump with each tick of the clock.

“Charlie Smith?” Charlie looked up at the sound of his name. A woman was standing in front of the door. Her red hair was tied into a ponytail brushed neatly into place, unlike the messier style that April prefered. It was vivid against the cream of her dress. It was not a solid block of colour like the Headmistress’s had been being offset by gold, but the colours were not designed to contrast so drastically like Quill’s clothing. In some ways she looked like April in a few years- calm and sweet, but with an undeniable air of professionalism. It was comforting.

Charlie stood up. Matteusz squeezed his shoulder as he did but stayed seating himself. The woman smiled at him and held out her hand. He had to walk forward to shake it. To ignore it would be impolite. He could just imagine how his tutors would react, how his _mother_ would react, if Charlie was impolite. The woman kept smiling as he shook her hand. His grip was no longer as strong as it used to be. Hers on the other hand was deceptively firm but not crushing. 

“Hello, Charlie. I’m Doctor Laughlin. Would you like to come in?” She held the door open for him so that he would be stepping into her empty office. Charlie looked back at Matteusz, who held his fists up with his thumbs sticking out. Charlie had learned that that was a human symbol meaning that everything was alright. With a deep breath Charlie stepped into her office. Doctor Laughlin smiled and walked in as well, shutting the door behind them. 

\---

Charlie lay his head on Matteusz’s chest. He played with the chord from Matteusz’s hoodie while Matteusz rubbed his hand through Charlie’s hair. Tanya and Ram had gone to get fish and chips, so it was just April and the two of them in Ram’s living room. April was humming while she scrolled through Ram’s netflix account. Thankfully she knew when Charlie was not in a talking mood and to behave accordingly. There were layers- Charlie was just quiet but would still pay attention to the conversation, Charlie was not paying attention to the conversation but was comforted by the voices, Charlie was easily prone to being overwhelmed and needed sound but something quiet, and the always lovely Charlie has psychologically removed himself from his body and any noise, touch, or almost anything originating from the outside world. At the very bottom was Charlie’s occasional bouts of complete catatonia. Thankfully Charlie was only at level three which could easily be the result of exhaustion anyway so the group had all agreed to eat and watch a movie and just be as relaxed as possible.

It was a slow progress, but they were all starting to mend their friendship. They had begun to eat lunch together at least two days of the week and when Ram had invited them all over to his place there hadn’t been any actual hesitation. It may not even be close to what they used to have, which if the Meteor of Truth was anything to go by was not that strong of a friendship anyway, but sometimes it was better to rebuild from scratch. The group had all sounded relieved when Matteusz told them that Charlie may be a bit quiet that evening because he had had his first bout of therapy that day. They had all agreed to judge trust Matteusz’s judgement on how Charlie was doing afterwards and behave accordingly. 

It had been the longest hour of Matteusz’s life. He had flipped through every pamphlet in the hall outside Dr Laughlin’s office, ranging from anxiety and eating disorders to a (somewhat inappropriately, Matteusz felt) pastel one with the title of ‘so you’ve just been diagnosed with schizophrenia’. He had been forced to use google translate frequently for some of the terminology, but could remember much of the basics of the depression pamphlet from the one his counsellor in Poland had given to him just before he moved to England. He took care to pocket some on depression, anxiety, and PTSS (which he had been a little surprised to see until he remembered that in Coal Hill it was almost expected to have a student go missing every few months). He had read through the one on grief as well, and added that to his pile when he found ‘a comprehensive guide to coping mechanisms’ at the back. All while pacing back and forward and wondering if Charlie was okay. 

When the hour was finally over the door opened. Charlie looked drained but had no obviously negative emotions in his body language. Dr Laughlin was smiling and brightly asked Charlie to return the next week. Charlie had nodded and been all too happy when Matteusz put his arm around Charlie’s shoulder. He had not said much about the experience, only that the Doctor was nice and that Charlie wanted to go back. It was the outcome Matteusz had hoped for but had not staked the house on. So Matteusz had texted the others that Charlie was alright but exhausted and the plans for the evening had been decided from there.

Matteusz groaned when his stomach rumbled. April giggled.

“Don’t worry,” she said quietly. “Got a text from Ram a few minutes ago that they were on their way back. Now which would be better, Stardust or Scooby Doo…”

“Scooby Doo has Blackadder,” Matteusz said, watching Charlie’s face. His eyes were half lidded, and even once they ate Matteusz knew that Charlie would be asleep before the end of the movie. 

“Stardust has baby Daredevil and a pirate captain in a dress,” April replied.

“It is an equal battle.” Matteusz frowned at Charlie. “Maybe something with less fighting?”

“Oh, um… good idea. We could force Ram to watch a romcom.”

“You speak as if we don’t all know he loves them.”

April giggled, and Matteusz felt a huff of breath on his chest that suggested Charlie had found it amusing too. 

“Ooh, what about Megamind, haven’t seen that in ages. Aw Ram you’ve never looked so beautiful.” 

“Thanks babe, good to know you’re looking out for me.” Ram was, in fact, shivering. His wet hair was dripping onto his shirt but his arms were wrapped tightly around the brown parcel in his arms. It must have been ruddy cold outside for Ram to be holding it so tight when most times it would be a recipe for burned arms. Ram moved a coffee table closer and placed the parcel on the table. He opened it up and spread the paper out while April helped move things off the table from where she was seated on the floor.

“I need to grab a towel. Don’t touch my hot dog.” 

“Where does Ram keep the sauce?” Tanya asked from the kitchen. April got off the floor and went in to help her. Matteusz was torn between the comfort of a sleepy Charlie on his chest and the smell of chips burying itself in his nostrils. Sadly he could not keep Charlie in position and also stretch out to grab some chips. Tanya and April walked back in with plates and a bottle of tomato sauce, setting both down on the table. 

“Piece of fish,” Tanya said, handing Matteusz a plate with his food and necessary sauce on it. He blew her a kiss and she just shook her head at him. She handed them another plate. “That place doesn’t do deep fried moros so I got Charlie an explosion. You said he didn’t eat enough today, so. You think we should hide Ram’s in the microwave?”

April laughed. Matteusz gently stroked his thumb over Charlie’s face, causing his eyelids to flutter open again. He groaned and sat up. Matteusz handed him his plate and Charlie began to eat slowly. It probably was a bad idea to get a boy who was only half awake to eat something as messy as a chocolate explosion, but Charlie really did need the sugar. Considering how much sugar Charlie and Quill consumed and how drastically their energy levels dropped if they confined their eating of it to something even approaching what a typical human could stand to eat in a day, Matteusz was not surprised it had been one of the commodities fought over. Their naturally higher sugar requirements were probably increased even higher by the energy required to power the regulator. When Matteusz had learned just what Rhodians needed to eat he had been even more alarmed at how little Charlie did. Their dinner probably was not enough considering Charlie had been throwing up all morning again, but it was unlikely Charlie would even finish it.

Charlie managed to get through most of it, and the first quarter of the movie, before he fell asleep with sugar still dusting his fingers. Matteusz wiped it off with a tissue and watched the movie with a sleeping boyfriend on his shoulder. It was relaxing. It seemed like it was relaxing for Charlie as well- he barely moved as he was sleeping and there were no signs of bad dreams. The night terrors seemed to be less frequent when Charlie was comfortable. They had not been as bad since Matteusz moved back into Charlie’s room, but the night Charlie woke up vomiting had not even been one of the worst. There had also been some awkward moments too, when it had been almost an hour of Matteusz trying to calm down his breathing that he realised he had been having nightmares about what he had observed in Charlie’s memories. 

“Don’t worry,” Ram said during a quieter moment of the movie. He seemed to be watching Charlie too, though Matteusz was still slightly suspicious that Ram was doing it as a way of checking if Charlie was about to kill all of them. “Doc Laughlin’s brill. Helped me out a bunch.”

“Ram’s got a crush on her,” Tanya said through her mouthful of wine gums. April snorted.

“I do not!”

“Oh come on, for ages after all you would talk about was how great she was, and pretty and intelligent-”

“She’s just a good therapist,” Ram mumbled. He crossed his arms over himself and pouted. Matteusz had to stifle a giggle. April was doing no such stifling. 

“Well at least it kept you from storming out, I thought for sure you’d hate it ‘cause you’re Mum forced you into it.”

“Well I’m full of surprises. Plus she didn’t pry or anything. Always thought therapists were meant to pry.”

“Mine just listened a lot,” April said. The movie had largely been forgotten, but she was still watching the screen. “I wish we could talk to her about the alien stuff though.”

“Yeah, what’s the point if the stuff you need help with is the stuff you can’t talk about,” Tanya said. She was still munching on chips between her sweets, even though they were almost cold. Matteusz agreed silently- he knew that Charlie was terrified of Doctor Laughlin finding out who he was and what he had done, but considering almost all of his troubles were the direct result of being an alien Matteusz was not sure if therapy would ever be able to do more than a superficial benefit. Charlie needed every bit of help he could get, but it was still troublesome that he would be unlikely to get help for the disease instead of the symptoms. Matteusz desperately wanted to help, but he did not have the professional experience he knew Charlie needed.

“I dunno.” Ram leaned back to his previous position and screwed up his face when he realised that his hair had left it damp. “I like having something in our lives that isn’t alien. They tend to attack us. No offence to present company.” Well, even if he was not completely over it at least the jibes were slightly more jovial. “... She’s gonna be an alien, isn’t she.”

Doctor Laughlin did, in fact, turn out to be an alien. Contrary to Ram’s expectation, she did not try to kill them or attack them in any way. Quill on the other hand… Though to be fair, Quill attacked her first. None of them were entirely sure why. (The group did wonder amongst themselves if it may have something to do with the mandatory faculty counselling sessions at Coal Hill. Though considering she ended up kissing the inspector-who-was-actually-a-robot, perhaps that was just how Quill showed attraction. None of them were prepared to volunteer and find out).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I spent far too much time trying to decide what fictional characters would order for fish and chips (when I wrote this chapter I gave myself a very intense craving). For those who don't know, a chocolate explosion is basically a long doughnut with jam and a small log of milk chocolate stuck down the middle. It is absolutely delicious and Charlie would love them. I assume England has them, because if the makers of Fish and chips don't have it then something is wrong with the world. 
> 
> Also, regarding the series name change: It is essentially my brain attempting to reconcile something that this fic developed into. I am hoping that Our Choices will instead be a sequel/companion series to this one (that with any luck I will make some significant headway writing throughout these holidays, bless short uni terms). Both series' titles come from Broken Crown by Mumford and Sons.
> 
> Comments are welcome :)


	3. Swandive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All of the warnings for this chapter. It really is not a happy one. I had a lot of trouble uploading it, and I'm trying not to see that as a sign.

Matteusz knew that it probably was not something he should be doing. Or maybe it was. Hiding things from his boyfriend had been part of a long list of things Matteusz did not want in their relationship (and not only because he was usually the one having things hid from). And it was only a few newspapers, so really it was no big deal. Except that Charlie liked to keep up with the Earth news. It helped him feel like he understood the world he was now living in. Matteusz had at least been honest about why he had taken them- there were things in there he thought would do Charlie more bad than good to see. Because he apparently now had control over what Charlie could and could not handle. The worst part was that Charlie had thanked him for it. Matteusz had been at battle with himself as to whether he was being helpful or controlling, but he could not comfortably let Charlie see the newspapers. Not when they were all talking about the sudden and dramatic increase in suicides.

Charlie had improved, but he was not better, and Matteusz knew how risky that could be. Some of his bad days left Charlie completely unable to move. As heartbreaking as it was to see, Matteusz at least had the comfort of knowing that Charlie was too weak to do anything. He would not step out of the way if something was attacking him, but he wouldn’t go out and purposefully make it happen. But recently Charlie had been more alert and at some points out right energetic. On the outside it was an improvement, and the rest of the Bunghole Defence Squad had been increasingly optimistic about Charlie’s progress. But while his body was improving his mind had not been as kind. They had been watching something together when Charlie had suddenly punched himself in the arm and not even realised he had done it. It had later turned into an angry bruise and Matteusz had- in one of his weaker moments- wondered if he and Quill needed to break out the restraints again. They had thankfully not been needed in a while, and Matteusz had hoped they never would be. When Matteusz thought about tying his boyfriend to their bed he had always thought it would be in a much funner context.

Matteusz was not entirely sure how to deal with a boyfriend who they all knew was suicidal. They all had watched Charlie do nothing to protect himself from the last Rhodian soul. How his shoulders had sagged- not in defeat but in relief. It had been the worst moment of Matteusz’s life, and it had been preceded by some horrific moments. He was going to watch Charlie die, watch Charlie be _relieved_ to die, and he was too scared to move. If Charlie was going to die, Matteusz wanted him to at least not have to die thinking he was alone. Matteusz never wanted Charlie to be alone. It had been even worse when they had told April about it. She had gone quiet, before admitting that Charlie had said some things to her that implied it was not a new thing. It had just gone from an abstract desire to an actual want. 

Matteusz had responded to that delightful piece of information by making sure Charlie had no idea where Quill’s gun was (a request Quill had been outright eager to comply with) and putting a padlock on the drawer containing all of their knives. He had known that Charlie had been suicidal since using the Cabinet, but he had no idea that Charlie had been _before_ using the cabinet. Ergo, his boyfriend had been suicidal while Matteusz had been with him for a significant margin of the day and he had never noticed. He knew Charlie had been having a difficult time, but knowing that he could have lost Charlie when Matteusz had a way to prevent it was horrifying. What was even worse was that Charlie had realised what Matteusz was doing and just smiled down at the padlock.

“That’s not how I want to do it,” he had said, calm and pleasant as if he was talking about something happy like puppies instead of dousing Matteusz in ice water. “I mean it when I say I don’t like knives.” Charlie really, really didn’t. Matteusz was in charge of chopping up all of the meat and vegetables since he moved in, preferably while Charlie was not in the room. He had once accidentally cut himself and Charlie had responded by all but running away. “And I don’t deserve to die like they did.”

Because that was the crux of it. Charlie had seen more death than Matteusz could imagine (or at least had been able to, before he had been granted a train ride into Charlie’s memories). Heck, he knew how to kill people at least five ways with every part of his body, probably including his ears. Matteusz could not keep Charlie from everything without possibly wrapping Charlie in bubble wrap. And he would probably just kill himself with the bubble wrap. So Matteusz just did his best to give Charlie something to live for. That seemed to be going well. Charlie was actually spending time alone with April again, doing whatever it was that those two did (Matteusz had always believed that best friend time was allowed to be private, and not just because when it came to things like that sometimes it was just better not to know). He had also begun to study again, even though their exams were still quite far away. Soon it would be even time to look at universities. 

So Matteusz hid newspapers sometimes. It was worth it to keep that clouded look out of Charlie’s eyes. Everyone knew not to mention it around Charlie- though that had led to a few situations where they ended up not talking about anything because everyone was afraid that it could be upsetting. Matteusz had just rolled his eyes, taken out his phone, and showed them all Charlie’s battle with getting a teething Baby Quill to eat. Charlie had turned into a bit of an older brother around Quill’s daughter, even though it frequently made Quill very nearly throw things at him. Her frequent comments that he and Matteusz were just glorified babysitters also backfired when Matteusz became the only one able to put Baby Quill to sleep. Even if it did require going inside Baby Quill’s (admittedly gorgeous, the walls were absolutely covered with artwork) should not be there room. He had never expected his friends to be the type to coo over baby photos, but he had never expected Quill to have a baby. Especially not a baby who could cheer up possibly the most depressed person on the planet.

Cooing over baby photos (and Charlie’s face when he tried the baby food because he had read it was a good parenting technique) had left most of the group focused on Matteusz’s phone. Charlie was pushing the food in his lunch box around with his fork. He had not eaten much. When Charlie noticed Matteusz looking at him and the amount of food he still had to eat, his brow creased and his eyes began to shine. The hand holding his fork started to shake. A few droplets of blood appeared when Charlie gripped the fork too tightly and it aggravated the scratch he had acquired from a rock earlier that day. Matteusz took the lunch box and fork out of Charlie’s hands and put the lid back on it.

“You can eat more later,” Matteusz said quietly.

“I’m sorry,” Charlie whined, and Matteusz saw in the corner of his eye that the aimless chatter from Ram, Tanya, and April had become significantly more forced. Matteusz gave Charlie his best reassuring smile.

“Is okay. I know you are trying.” Matteusz reached out to Charlie, but Charlie jerked back. His eyes searched around the room and he grabbed his schoolbag.

“I’m sorry,” he repeated and all but ran up the stairs they were sitting on. The pretense of looking at photos was dropped so everyone was left staring at the empty space where Charlie had been. Matteusz began putting the things Charlie had left behind in his own backpack. It would make it heavier but Matteusz was used to carrying things. 

“So, not one of his good days then.” Tanya said. 

“Does he have something against food?” Ram asked. 

“He knows I’m worried he does not eat. When he cannot do what people want him to do he gets upset.” When Matteusz had voiced his concerns over Charlie’s difficulty eating, Charlie had responded by overeating even though it made him sick. He had found Charlie crying in the bathroom after dinner, apologising incessantly and promising that he would do better. Begging Matteusz not to be angry with him. It was not a new thing- Matteusz could still feel the way Charlie’s gut had churned at the thought of being anything less than perfect in the eyes of his mother and his people. 

“It’s okay,” Ram said when the bell rang. “Tanya and I’ll keep a look out for him in Bio. See you in Physics.”

Matteusz got nothing done in Photography. He spent the entire time staring at one of his photos (an old one taken from his bedroom when he was still living with his parents. Taken from behind glass, looking down as his Father and Uncle toyed with the barbeque, his younger cousins running around, and his Mother and her sister in laws chiding them while they did. At the time he had felt it was the symbol of his unhappiness. Now he kind of missed it) and did his best not to run through the school looking for Charlie. Lily was usually good a distracting him, but she was too busy focusing on keeping her photoshop brush from accidentally going over the hair of whomever she was drawing around. Matteusz just gnawed at his nails and waited for Physics.

Not that it mattered, because when he arrived in Quill’s classroom, Charlie was not there. Matteusz sat down in his seat and leaned forward. 

“Sorry, mate, he wasn’t in Bio either.” 

“Maybe he went home?” April asked. 

“You could try texting him,” Tanya muttered as Quill came in. Quill’s return from pregnancy leave had made one student start bawling in the middle of the classroom, and the fear had stayed. Her absence had only increased her legacy as the scariest teacher in the school. It had even extended to them- Quill had offered no leniency for their having fallen behind and had made up for it with extra homework. Matteusz wished he could text without her noticing, but Quill always noticed. Quill only broke phones that belonged to Charlie, but the rest were confiscated for a week and Matteusz was unfortunately reliant on his phone. Aliens did not often allow time for emails.

“And where is Charles?” Quill asked once she had finished writing on the whiteboard and scanning the room.

“We don’t know,” Matteusz answered. He hoped it would convey the severity of the situation.

“Surprising. Your relationship is borderline parasitic.” Quill said no more on the subject for the rest of class, but threw a cautious glance at Charlie’s desk every so often. If Photography had dragged, time outright stopped in Physics. The clock did not seem to be moving at all. Quill caught Matteusz staring at it and threw an eraser at him. But he still could not focus. He was not the only one who was distracted. Ram was not writing anything down but just dotting the paper repeatedly with his pen. April was writing the same sequence of numbers repeatedly. Even Tanya was not able to focus- she kept groaning and scribbling out whatever she had just written. The ringing of the bell jolted Matteusz out of his fugue and he almost dropped his phone in his rush to check it. He never used to bring his phone to school, but after everything that had happened he could not risk being without it.

There was a text from Charlie. Matteusz took a deep breath and opened it. _Would you please come to Doctor Laughlin’s office_ , it read. Matteusz almost tipped his desk in the rush to leave. Quill glared daggers at him as he did and Matteusz knew that he would be getting lectured at dinner. And probably given a detention tomorrow. It was hard to care about that anymore. It was not as if his parents were going to chastise him for getting detentions. They probably would have preferred he spend his entire life in detention if it meant that he was not gay. 

When Matteusz reached Doctor Laughlin’s office, it was her that greeted him. He could see Charlie hunched over in a chair inside. She shut the door gently and guided Matteusz to the other side of the waiting room. 

“Charlie is alright. I will let him tell you what happened. But I would like you to keep an eye on him for me. These recent events have been cause for concern.” She continued when Matteusz tilted his head to the side. “The most recent suicide was one of my patients. He had exhibited suicidal thoughts, but there was no sign of suicide ideation. You don’t just escalate from thinking you want to die to killing yourself. There is usually a planning stage in between.”

“You think it was not suicide?”

“I don’t know what I think. But eight people in ten days have killed themselves using the exact same method, all in the shoreditch area. Just… be careful, please? You too as well. Your safety is just as important as Charlie’s is.”

“I promise.”

Doctor Laughlin smiled at him. Matteusz smiled back and went to open the door to her office. Charlie looked up when he did. His eyes were red and his fringe had fallen out of place. The fingers of one hand were playing with the bandage on the other. Matteusz helped Charlie stand up. Charlie gave Doctor Laughlin a slight wave when they left. Thankfully, the halls in the school were almost empty. Everyone was already on their way home, getting ready for practise of some kind, or waiting in the bus bay. 

“I don’t know what happened. My brain just wouldn’t work through lunch, like it had been filled with something. Then I just… I couldn’t handle you looking at me like that. I was disappointing you, doing something that would upset you, and you were just being patient. I had to get away. I’m sorry for scaring you.”

“Do you feel better now?”

“Yes, oddly enough. I feel… fine? Better than fine? I’m actually really hungry. Do you think any of that chocolate is still there?”

“Yes,” Matteusz swung his arm around Charlie’s shoulders. “I saw some this morning. Quill has not had time to eat it yet.” He tucked Charlie’s head under his chin. They walked home like that, and Matteusz had the strange feeling that if Charlie was a cat he would be purring. When they arrived home, Charlie took his shoes off and started humming as he put his bag away. 

“We should make some of those cookies. I promised to bake with you.” Charlie shimmied off his jacket and headed to the kitchen.

Part of Matteusz was concerned and wondered if Charlie was possibly having a manic episode. His behaviour was unbelievable considering he had skipped two classes because he could not cope with the idea that not eating his lunch would make Matteusz upset. Matteusz had an idea of manic people from television shows, bouncing up and down on tables and speaking a mile a minute. Matteusz also knew that when it came to mental illness you never trusted a television show. But Matteusz had seen this sort of behaviour in Charlie before. There had been a time, after Matteusz had moved in and before everything had gone to hell in a handbasket, when Charlie would spend most of his days actually quite… happy. Once he was able to go entire days without having to google something, learned to avoid Quill rather than always confront her, and it sunk in that Matteusz was there to stay, Charlie could be a rather happy person. 

It had just been so long that Matteusz was unable to tell what a genuinely happy Charlie looked like. How light his voice would be while he played with Baby Quill and Matteusz watched. Charlie’s giggle into Matteusz’s shoulder when Matteusz would grab Charlie and dance with him around the room. It was disheartening that it was so rare to see Charlie happy. Matteusz wanted Charlie to always be happy. Partly because Charlie deserved it. Even if he hadn’t been through what he had, Charlie deserved to be happy simply because he was Charlie. Because he was always trying to make other people happy, and that was the type of person who deserved happiness of their own. And also out of purely selfish reasons- Charlie’s smile was the most beautiful thing Matteusz had ever seen. Even an alien planet could not compare to the way Charlie’s entire face brightened when he smiled. How he always smiled so wide that it became the most prominent feature on his face, causing his sparkling eyes to shrink. 

Charlie was not smiling like that now, but he was smiling. A small and content quirk to his lips adorned with those sparkling eyes. He rummaged through the cupboards and pulled out a block of chocolate that he and Matteusz had half eaten the day before. Charlie broke off a row and then broke that row in half, handing some to Matteusz and nibbling on the pieces for himself. Matteusz let the chocolate melt in his mouth while he watched Charlie nibble. It took long enough for Charlie to eat that he had to suck the remaining chocolate off of his fingers. Matteusz swallowed the small bits of chocolate still in his mouth as he watched Charlie hum and reach into the packet, trying to get another piece. He knew he should let Charlie eat but Matteusz found his feet moving on their own. Charlie let out a huff of breath as Matteusz pressed him up against the counter. The wood would probably be digging into Charlie’s back but he gave no indication of caring. 

Matteusz loved kissing Charlie. It was probably Matteusz’s favourite activity. If he had the choice he would kiss Charlie all the time. Though it wasn’t just the act that Matteusz enjoyed. Sure he enjoyed that plenty- the way Charlie would just follow along to how Matteusz would move his lips, his tongue. But above all it was the experience. Because kissing Charlie was never just about what their mouths were doing. It was the way Charlie would lean into Matteusz’s hands even though it was instinct for Matteusz to touch his lover’s neck. How Charlie would always cling to Matteusz’s shirt, because Charlie was adorably small and that was the easiest place for him to reach. The soft sounds Charlie would make that sounded like the sigh someone would give when they finally saw the view after climbing up a mountain. Matteusz knew that the main reason he loved to kiss Charlie was just that he loved Charlie. 

Matteusz had kissed a few boys he had not loved, even though for some of them he thought he had. It had been fun, sure. Except for that one guy who thought kissing was just sticking your tongue in someone else’s mouth and wiggling it around a bit. That had not been enjoyable. Some boys always made it a battle. Even if they were kissing a boy, they weren’t _gay_ , because they were just so _masculine_ and they were going to prove that by turning kissing into a boxing match. Some guys you could text while kissing them it was that interesting. And then there were the great ones. Matteusz had never understood why kissing was sometimes called ‘sucking face’ as a child. Then he met a guy who tried to suck his lips off. It felt like he had his lips trapped in a vacuum cleaner. And (almost) all of those boys he had kissed before. In Poland it was harder to find someone to you wanted to kiss who wanted to kiss you back, so they had all been a bit inexperienced. Matteusz had tried to remedy that in England, because it was London and he was (in comparison) surrounded by boys who wanted to kiss him. After continual disappointment, Matteusz had just accepted that kissing was not all it was cracked up to be. 

Matteusz regretted that resignation. It had meant that he had kissed Charlie only partially because he wanted to. Mostly because he wanted to shove it in his parents’ faces that he was in a relationship with a cute boy and was happy, damn it. He had never even considered that Charlie had not kissed at least someone before. Sure, Charlie was strange, but he was very attractive and sweet and on a scale, strangeness was better than what some people had to offer. If he could, he would go back and make sure he kissed Charlie at a time when Charlie was all that he wanted. No parents as additional motivation because that was a stupid reason for someone to have their first kiss. But he was not the Doctor so he was stuck with a linear time stream. So he did his best to make up for that first kiss with every kiss afterwards. To ward off the fear that every kiss may be their last by making every kiss one that Matteusz would not regret. 

When Matteusz pulled away, Charlie had a red blush to his cheeks. His hands were gripping the kitchen bench. Matteusz had absolutely ruined Charlie’s hair but the unkempt look suited him. Charlie just smiled at Matteusz while he tried to regulate his breathing. Matteusz smiled back and pushed his own hair out of his eyes. Considering Charlie responded by biting his bottom lip, perhaps it was not helping Charlie to calm down. Matteusz was actually very pleased about that. He pulled himself away from Charlie and went to pour himself a glass of water. Matteusz poured another one for Charlie which was drunk entirely in mere seconds. He was more conservative with his own consumption and chuckled when he saw Charlie refill his glass and drink the rest of that as well. Charlie quickly popped two more pieces of chocolate into his mouth in spite of his shaking hands.

“Are you feeling better now?” Matteusz asked. His voice sounded husky, like it had a few weeks ago when he had caught a cold. Charlie nodded.

“Definitely better. We should do that more often.”

“All the time,” Matteusz replied before kissing Charlie again. After a few moments Charlie pulled away again.

“You’re distracting me…”

“From?”

“Baking.”

“Well,” Matteusz pressed a kiss to Charlie’s nose. “They have to be refrigerated for a day before cooking.”

“So biscuits first?”

“And then we can do whatever we like.” 

“More kissing?”

“All of the kissing.” Charlie smiled and gave Matteusz a quick kiss to the lips before reaching into the cupboard and pulling out the ingredients they had bought a while ago. Matteusz knew that it was highly likely Charlie’s energy burst would only last long enough to do the first part of the cooking process, but he was not against taking over the last of it. Charlie seemed to know how precarious his energy levels were and that was why he was so eager to do something while he actually could. Charlie’s current mood was still bizarre compared to the low he had swung to earlier, but Matteusz did not want to risk drawing attention to it. He wanted to hope that, just this once, everything was fine.

Matteusz turned his phone on to play some indie music he knew Charlie liked quietly while they cooked. He stood behind Charlie, reaching for ingredients and instructing Charlie what to do next. They had pinned the recipe to the fridge via an ‘alien’ (large head, green skin, and large black eyes all included) magnet Matteusz had bought. Quill had scrunched her nose up at it but had not taken it down which meant that she must not have hated it _that_ much. Charlie kept smiling even when he spilled flour over himself. Matteusz hoped that one day he could convince Charlie to make icing just so that he could see Charlie’s face when the electric beater caused a cloud of icing sugar. When they were done with the mixture, they wrapped it in glad wrap and put it in the fridge. 

“Maybe we should change,” Matteusz said. Charlie’s shirt and hair were distinctly whiter than normal because of the flour. Charlie pouted as if it was an important question he needed to mull over before pulling Matteusz towards him and kissing him. They spent the rest of the evening in a haze. Charlie kept his content smile and curled around Matteusz, even if he did end up falling asleep earlier than he usually did. Matteusz fell asleep beside him on the couch while they were watching old television shows. He was woken up by Quill clearing her throat, hands on her hips.

“I thought the entire purpose of this reconciliation was that you would finally stop sleeping in my living room.”

“That wasn’t the purpose, just side effect.”

“It was the purpose to me. Go to bed. I don’t want you cluttering my couch.”

Matteusz rolled his eyes. He had begun to see Quill less as a terrifying authority figure and more as a grumpy older sister. She insulted you because she cared and was not willing to admit it. Matteusz gently woke Charlie. He did not wake up properly, just enough so that Matteusz could guide Charlie up the stairs. Charlie seemed very reluctant to do anything and had devolved into ‘sleepy kitten’ mode. It was adorable, the way Charlie would look up at him through his fringe while nibbling on his fingers.

“You are very beautiful,” Matteusz wanted to say. Did say. Charlie reached out to him. Matteusz took Charlie’s hand and crawled across the bed. Charlie was still so tired that his eyes were closed, but he did not stop smiling.

“You are as well,” Charlie replied. “Now come to bed.”

Matteusz wrapped his arms and legs around Charlie. Worried about hurting Charlie’s wounded hand he held on to Charlie’s wrist instead. 

“I love you,” Matteusz whispered in Charlie’s ear. There was an incoherent mumble in response. Matteusz kissed Charlie’s cheek and went to sleep. He woke up to an empty bed. The place where Charlie had been in his arms was now just a cold space. With blurry eyes he rolled over to check the time on his phone. It was a little after four in the morning. And there was no sound of Charlie in the bathroom, so he was likely in Baby Quill’s room. There was a text from him on Matteusz’s phone, though which was strange. With them were texts from April. And Ram. And Tanya. Which meant aliens. 

_Tanya’s got a theory on those suicides._

_Oi, the suicide spike isn’t natural._

_Pick up your phone._

_There’s an evil glowey rock thing that’s spiking ppl’s bad vibes. Yes, another one._

_We’re meeting up at Tanya’s place. Try and get here if you can._

_Pick up your damn phone!_

And then, from Charlie-

_Bottom drawer of my bedside cabinet. I’m sorry. I love you._

Matteusz all but jumped out of bed. He tried to ring Charlie but there was no answer. Just in case, he checked Baby Quill’s room. She was sound asleep, but the only person there. Charlie was not in the house. He pulled on a jacket and began to call Tanya instead.

“Oh freaking finally! We’ve been callin-”

“Is Charlie with you?”

“No? Why?”

“You said it makes bad emotions worse.” Matteusz ran down the stairs and out the door. 

“Yeah, so it makes happy people sad.”

“And depressed people suicidal.”

“Well, yeah. ….Matteusz, where’s Charlie?”

“I don’t know! He is not home.” Tanya swore on the other end of the line.

“All of them were jumpers. Could he be on the roof?”

“Too low. He would only break bones.” Matteusz had grown to have a slight obsession with fatal falls from high places when he was a child. That Christmas had certainly made an impression on him. And there was only one place that Charlie was familiar with that was high enough to do the job. “He must be at the school.”

“Why is it always that freaking school?! We’ll meet you there.” Tanya hung up and Matteusz began to run. Even when his lungs were burning and his legs felt like jelly he made himself keep running. He remembered the look on Charlie’s face when the last soul appeared from the cabinet. The devastated relief at the idea that he may finally be put out of his misery. Then it faded to another memory- the way Charlie had smiled while they were baking. The quiet humming. It had been only a few hours since they were happy. They deserved more chances to be happy. Matteusz could not let that dark part of themselves win. 

“Charlie!” Charlie looked up when Matteusz forced the door to the roof open. His face was covered in tears trailing from his red eyes. His mouth had gone lax. He was standing on the edge of the roof. He whined when he saw Matteusz.

“No… that’s not fair,” Charlie sobbed. “You’re not supposed to see.”

“I know,” Matteusz said, walking slowly towards Charlie. He didn’t want to scare him. As he drew closer to the edge, Matteusz did his best not to look down. Eleven years was not enough to forget the feeling of waking up on the edge of a rooftop. Staring at the ground. Knowing that even the slightest movement forward and you would be tumbling down. “But I’m here anyway.”

The door burst open again and the rest of the Bunghole Defence Squad came flying through. April’s eyes widened.

“Charlie, don’t!”

“It’s an alien! It messes with your brain chemistry. You don’t actually want to do this!” Tanya cried.

“You touched it. That rock you cut yourself on, remember? It must’ve splintered or somethin’.” 

Charlie frowned at them, before pulling off the plaster on his hand. The wound was bright red and angry. Matteusz could see a slight hint of black inside it. Just like a piece of glass. Charlie noticed it too and began to lightly touch it with the edge of his nail. He winced when he pressed it further in accidentally. 

“Just need a pair of tweezers and you’ll be right.”

“Because that will make it all go away,” Charlie said, looking directly at Matteusz. Charlie was not very good at sarcasm. The Rhodians were a rather straight forward species, so the concept of a type of humour built around saying the opposite of what you mean or deliberate exaggeration was something Charlie had difficulty understanding. Which had been a problem at first, because Matteusz would readily admit that sarcasm was probably his favourite form of communication. Alongside hugs and literary references. But Charlie had been learning, and Matteusz had been learning how to tell when Charlie was not being straightforward. And this- this was sarcasm.

“No. Is not going away. But you can fight back. You have been doing so well, Charlie.”

“I don’t want to fight anymore. I’m so tired of fighting, Matteusz. I have to every day and I’m just so-” Charlie could not continue through his sobs. He looked exhausted. He sounded worse. Matteusz wanted to take Charlie back to bed where they could at least pretend everything was okay but it wasn’t. He couldn’t just make Charlie forget what happened. It was not going to go away. There was no reset button that made everything fine. That made Charlie anything that remotely resembled being okay. And Matteusz was powerless against that. Charlie was the only one who could do the fight- everyone else just had to support from the sidelines. No wonder Charlie was exhausted all the time. “I just want it to be over.”

“I know it is hard. But we want to help you.”

“That’s why I have to do this,” Charlie inched himself closer to the edge and Matteusz instinctively grabbed his arm. Charlie closed his eyes, and smiled. “You are always protecting me. More than you protect yourself. You’re seventeen, Matteusz, I’m not going to let you spend the rest of your life taking care of me.”

“That’s what love is! Taking care of each other. Do you realise how much you take care of _me_? After what happened with my parents, I would have fallen to pieces if you had not held me up. You are not holding me back. You are helping me move forward. I want to do same for you.”

For a moment, Matteusz thought that had gotten through to Charlie. He was staring up at Matteusz with shining eyes and Matteusz could see something that looked a little bit like relief on Charlie’s face. But Charlie just shook his head and pulled himself away from Matteusz’s grip. Ram stood forward.

“How is this gonna make things better?” He demanded.

“Ram, careful…” April muttered, her eyes fixated on how close Charlie’s feet were to thin air.

“Look, all you’ve got to look forward to is being alone in a box. What if you can still think in there, huh? At least here you’ve got friends.” Charlie scoffed at that. “We _are_ , Charlie! We’re your friends. Your best friends, who love you very much even if sometimes we aren’t the best at showing it.”

“Stop lying, Ram,” Charlie croaked. “You’re not very good at it.”

“We’re not lying, Charlie,” April said. “It’s just that thing telling you we are because it wants you to hurt. Just a prick of an alien messing with your head.”

Charlie reached up to cover his ears with his hands. Matteusz was not sure whose voice he wanted to block out. Matteusz took a deep breath and stood onto the ledge with him. Charlie looked up. He slowly lowered his hands.

“I know you want to die,” Matteusz said quietly. Charlie looked ashamed. “But I know you want to live, too. I’ve felt it, remember?”

Charlie nodded. It was a slight and almost unnoticeable movement, but it was there. 

“You still have not finished drawing on Baby Quill’s room. And frankly, you should start doing rest of house next. White walls are very boring.” Charlie laughed at that. “We spend long time making cookies today. If you die, I will be too sad to eat them. Our hard work would have gone to waste. And we agreed, remember? That for Baby Quill’s first birthday, we would throw big birthday party just to annoy Adult Quill.”

“And because Baby Quill deserves it…” Charlie whispered.

“Yes, because she deserves it. You have fought this long for a reason, Charlie. Because you have things to live for.”

“I can’t do this,” Charlie sobbed, shaking his head. “I’m not strong enough.”

“Yes, you are. I know because you are still here. But you just have to be strong enough to do one thing, for now.” Matteusz held out his arm. “Take my hand.”

Charlie stared down at Matteusz’s outstretched hand. In the distance Matteusz could hear Tanya muttering something repeatedly. Matteusz heard his mind join in with her. _Please take it, please take it, please take it_. Charlie slowly grasped onto the offered hand. It was as if he was moving underwater, but it still happened. Matteusz smiled at him.

“Is okay. Are you ready to do something else?” Matteusz asked. Charlie rapidly shook his head. “Okay. Tell me when you are.”

Charlie closed his eyes. It felt like an hour, with Matteusz and Charlie shaking from a combination of stress and the fact that it was less than ten degrees while they were standing there barefoot and in their pyjamas. But eventually Charlie opened his eyes and looked up. He nodded.

“Now put one foot back on the roof. Just one.” Charlie nodded and obeyed, Matteusz copying him with his own foot. They were now standing in an awkward position. “When you’re ready, do the same with the other.”

Another lifetime stretched between them. Charlie seemed to be willing his foot to move but was unable to. He was crying again. Perhaps he never stopped. The chill on his face meant that he could not be certain, but the stinging of his eyes made Matteusz think that he was crying as well. He was so afraid. Maybe Charlie would just fling himself off anyway. Or he could throw himself down the stairs as they walked down and break his neck. Matteusz just wanted them to be back in bed. 

Eventually, Charlie took the other foot down. Matteusz did the same. When his feet were both firmly off the ledge, Charlie collapsed. Matteusz managed to catch him before he fell. He lowered them both to the ground, holding Charlie to his chest while Charlie sobbed. Charlie clung to Matteusz but it seemed to be all he had the strength to do. Matteusz held Charlie as tight as he could. He wanted to make sure Charlie was alive. He wanted to make sure Charlie wouldn’t get right back up there.

“Why are you making me do this?” Charlie asked. Matteusz felt his stomach sink but clung to Charlie anyway.

“Because I love you.” Matteusz closed his eyes and held Charlie while he cried. He hoped that removing the splintered rock (and Matteusz was officially done with rocks from space, they could go suck a cactus) would make Charlie feel at least a little bit better. It was a fool’s hope. Because no matter what they did there was no way of scrubbing this memory out of any of their minds. April could hardly wake up in Corakinus’s body _again_. So there was nothing to distract from what was in front of them- that Charlie had just tried to commit suicide. They had to carry on knowing that. And there was the bad part of Matteusz’s mind again. Because at least now they all knew what their desire for revenge had done to Charlie. At least now they knew just how much it had ruined him. They could suffer with that guilt. 

Matteusz tried to ignore the voice telling him that it would have been better for everyone to have let Charlie jump.


	4. Epilogue, Act IV

“Would you like to talk about it?”

“No.”

“Is there anything you would like to talk about?”

“Something else.” Charlie did not want to be in Doctor Laughlin’s office. Quite frankly, he did not want to be anywhere. He wanted to be mist, travelling through the universe and breathing it inside him. Every smile and frown all combined within his chest and the heartbeat of the universe lying within his own abdomen. Not a person, not a thing. Just mist dispersed throughout the cosmos. Floating for eternity. Mist would have no thoughts, no desires, and certainly no guilt. Mist was not a murderer, nor the King of a people murdered. Mist was not a lover, nor loved, and certainly not a friend. Mist was breath. He wanted to be breath. He did not want to be alive, but he wanted to be the thing that helped others to live. 

Doctor Laughlin let out a quiet sigh. If he was human, he would not have noticed it. She kept her mouth closed to conceal it. He had never told her that Rhodians had advanced hearing, so it was within her world view to assume he could not hear the sigh. But it told him what he already knew. He was bothering her. She could not help, and now he was just a waste of time. A waste of air. If he was air he would not be wasting it. It would be going to the people who need it. Doctor Laughlin could be spending her time helping someone who actually could and deserved to be helped. And he would no longer exist at all.

“How have you been occupying your time?” Doctor Laughlin asked. Clearly, she had run out of ways to help him. At the end of the session, maybe the next, she would tell him that he was a lost cause. That Matteusz should have let him die.

“I sit.”

“Do you do anything while you sit?”

“No. Sometimes I think. Most times I don’t.”

“Illnesses such as yours can be exasperated by the destructive thinking cycles that they cause. Having outlets can be very important for your psychological health.”

“Outlets?”

“What do you do for fun?”

“I… spend time with Matteusz, mostly.”

“And when Matteusz is not around?”

“I sit.”

Doctor Laughlin wrote something in her notepad. She then put the pen down and stared at him. If Charlie looked hard enough, he could see her true alien form beneath her human one. There was a small ripple and a shimmer of the rich blue skin she hid underneath. 

“What do you enjoy doing? When you are on your own, what makes you content?”

“I… like to draw.” She smiled at that. “I used to read in the evenings, back home. And listen to music.”

“What about now?”

“I cannot focus enough to read. And much of the music on this planet is too strange for me to enjoy.”

“Do you still draw?” 

“Not often. I cannot think of anything to draw.”

Doctor Laughlin reached into her drawers and pulled out a pad and pencil. She handed the pad to Charlie. It was not lined like the one she was writing on, and the pages were a crisper white than her yellow tinged ones. The pencil was soft wood. He had seen many humans use ones that were made of plastic and clicked as if they were pens, but when Charlie had tried to use them to draw the led had broken off too often and he had grown frustrated. The pencil she had taken out had been used often judging from the length, but was still in good condition. It did not have a sharp tip which would make it harder to draw thin lines. Charlie did not mind though- he preferred the sturdiness of a thick tip. It was harder to break and the lines were bolder. It made the drawing feel less fragile.

“Do you like to talk while you draw? To listen? Or does silence help you concentrate?”

“I like noise. If it is silent I begin to think. That is more distracting than noise.”

“Alright. Charlie, while we talk I would like you to draw me something.”

“What would you like me to draw?”

“Something that makes you happy, if you can. If not, you can draw something you see in this room.”

Charlie looked around. Doctor Laughlin’s office was filled with flowers. There was a painting of a flower silhouette as its petals were scattered away from it. Her dresses frequently included a flower motif. They were not threatening flowers, like the petals that had threatened the Earth and everyone on it. They reminded Charlie of the gardens of Rhodia. How he had lain in them when he was a child and still permitted to do such things. He began to draw the Rhodian garden that had been planted in his name. It was tradition for the children of a monarch to be given a garden at their birth. Unique sets of plants promising health and prosperity surrounding a tree that would grow throughout their life and live for centuries after. The Forest of Crowns was the most beautiful place on Rhodia. 

“You said most music from Earth unsettles you. What music does not?”

“My friend April plays the violin,” Charlie replied. He placed light sketches across the page. “It has a beautiful sound. A light sound. I like music like that.”

“With string instruments?”

“Yes, I think that is what they are called.”

“What about the piano?”

“No,” Charlie scrunched up his face. “Something about it feels heavy. Like the notes are being beaten into you.”

“Have you tried listening to folk music?”

“Some. I still do not understand why they dance in circles.”

“No, neither do I. But did you enjoy it?”

“Somewhat. Most of what April showed me is slower than I would like. Too sad. I get uncomfortable when I am listening to something sad.”

“Do you like love songs?” 

“Some. Many of them feel fake. I am in love- I know what it feels like. Often it feels like those songs are for people who want to be in love but are not.” He started on the second layer now. Harsher lines for what he wanted to keep so that you could not see the mistakes unless you knew to look for them.

“What about songs that tell a story?”

“I have not heard many of those. I would like to. I like stories.”

“You said that you are unable to read much anymore. Why is that?”

“I have trouble reading the words. My eyes become unfocused and I cannot continue.”

“Is it easier if you hear rather than read?”

“Yes.”

“It may be less effort for you mind to translate. You said it is instinctual. Reading requires more conscious effort to understand than listening does. Perhaps you would do better listening to a book than reading it. Earth has those, you know. Marvellous invention.”

“If I just listen, I cannot focus either. All I can think about it how my hands need to be doing something.”

“How do you focus in class?”

“I write notes.”

“Ah, skipped right over the doodling stage.”

“I did that once as a child. My tutor was very angry at me for it. Quill would probably rip off my arm.”

“I would not put it passed her.” Doctor Laughlin sounded like she was smiling. For the first time since he started drawing, Charlie looked up. She was leaning back in her chair, cradling her steaming drink in her hands. She looked happy. Perhaps he was not wasting her time as much as he thought. “Do you think drawing while you listened to a book would help?”

“Yes. Maybe.”

“Is there any particular book you would like to read?”

“Everyone reads many books on this planet. I get strange looks because I have not read some of them. They sound very strange though. A group of children go on an adventure with a lion? Small men battle over a ring? And there are always Kings. I do not want to read about Kings.” Charlie thought for a moment. “I like magic though. Happy endings. Where everything turns out alright in the end.”

Doctor Laughlin laughed and reached into the same drawer she pulled the paper and pencil Charlie was currently using out of. She sat a green pendrive on her desk and plugged it into the computer to her side. 

“Do you have a pendrive with you, Charlie?” She asked. Charlie stopped drawing to reach into his schoolbag. He rummaged through his pencil case to bring out a pendrive of his own. He handed it to her. “Now, I assume your friends have mentioned Harry Potter?”

“Yes. I have seen some of the movies, but Tanya says that the books are better.”

“They often are. Not always, though. It is a story of magic and a boy who suffers through much because of the duty others force upon him. There are many struggles, but it is all worth it in the end. Would you like to read it? Not because it would help you understand your peers. Because it might interest you.”

“Yes, I would like to read it.”

“Well, I should probably say ‘hear’, these are the audiobooks after all. I bought them a few years after arriving on this planet. They are very entertaining. I think they will give you much inspiration to draw. Speaking of, how is your drawing?”

“It is going well,” Charlie said. It was- he was almost ready to move on to the third layer.

“Would you like to listen to some music while you finish it?”

“That would be nice, thank you.” 

Doctor Laughlin turned to the computer again and clicked the mouse a few times. Soft music filled the room. There was string instruments and flutes, along with drums that did not thrum their way through Charlie but instead felt like someone was tapping their hand in time to the song. Someone was singing in a high and sweet voice. It was very beautiful, and well suited to a drawing of flowers. 

“At least once before our next session, Charlie, when you get the urge to just sit, I would like you to try drawing something. Listen to music, or a book, and draw while you listen. You can bring it to me, if you like.”

At the end of the session, Charlie handed her his drawing as a gift. She gently removed it from the pad and placed it on the bookshelf beside her desk. When he would come back the week after, it would be framed.

\---

“My friend Lily wants to see me, so I will be going out for hour or so.” Matteusz said as he searched through their cluttered room for a jersey. It was warming up as spring came, but it was still London and Charlie was beginning to think that London was always cold. “Will you be alright?”

Matteusz had been having difficulty leaving Charlie on his own. Even in their sleep, his grip was tighter. Sometimes Charlie had wondered if Matteusz was trying to make Charlie a part of him. As if that would keep Charlie safe from himself. It was the opposite of what Charlie wanted though. He needed to see that Matteusz had a life outside of Charlie and his tattered pages. That Charlie was not keeping Matteusz locked away like a bird in a cage. Charlie wanted Matteusz to be happy. He just could not escape the idea that it was Charlie standing in the way of that happiness. So to see Matteusz go out, with a friend he had not seen in a while (and Charlie certainly felt plenty of guilt about that as well because he knew that it was all things alien keeping him away), was a brilliant relief to Charlie. So he nodded. Matteusz nodded back. It was a simple exchange.

Charlie leaned back on the couch. He could feel the desire to do nothing everywhere in his bones, but not in his fingernails. They wanted to do something. They wanted to dance across a page, a screen, to soar through white milk and pull out colours. So he reached over and grabbed his phone and his art book. He plugged some earphones into his phone and turned to youtube, typing in one of the artists Doctor Laughlin had recommended. When that song was finished, he clicked on another one. And then another. Drifting through violins and guitars. All the while he sketched with his other hand. A mirage of plants and people and places long gone, spreading out across the page and then onto another one. When the outline was done he grabbed some of his colour pencils. At the centre of it was Matteusz, in soft colours. April to his side with her arm around Ram, her with soft outlines and a bold interior while he started out harsh but grew softer as you moved in. Tanya at the far left with that huge grin she sometimes got on her face, all bold and bright. Quill and her baby found their way in as well, Quill orange and spiked holding a baby that looked human but was not. There was little rhyme or reason. He did not have to think. He was mist. And in that mist sat a Charlie, who was not a Prince, certainly not a human, and debated whether he was really even a person. But he was a lover, and loved, and he was a friend. The song ended, and he clicked to the next one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nightmares, Swandive, and Epilogue were originally meant to be part of Snapshots and in a different order (it was meant to go Nightmares, Epilogue, Swandive, with other oneshots in between). My brain found it natural to place Epilogue straight after Swandive, and ended up feeling like a good resolution for Charlie's arc throughout this series. As a result, I could not in good conscience keep the original ending I have planned as part of this fic because it breaks one of my fundamental rules of good story telling, hence the change in series title. I am hoping to still write the original ending and am doing my best. However, this fic is meant to be an ending to this series, though with any luck it will not be the actual end.
> 
> Comments are so very welcome. I genuinely love hearing from each and every one of you

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are welcome, they help me bully myself into writing :)


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